The lesson I learned from 4 Cupcakes

To many these look like delicious cupcakes with buttery icing…..and they in fact are just that. To me, I see something a little different. I see that this icing yesterday, caused me to have one of the biggest breakdowns I have had in a while. This icing, right here, would not come together, would not work for me. I had 4 cupcakes left to ice before continuing with my heavily scheduled Sunday. It also happened to be my daughter’s 16th birthday, and I wanted everything to be perfect for her. I woke up early so that I would have time to get everything ready. Except, for when I ran out of icing with just 4 cupcakes left to go.

Now, I have been baking for many years, it was nothing for me to start the process of whipping the meringue, boiling the sugar to make the decadent Italian buttercream one more time…..except, the icing was not cooperating…..

• it curdled,

• it melted,

• it just wouldn’t come together,

• time was ticking away,

• we needed to leave,

• my other 2 daughters were not out of bed yet,

• I was not fully dressed,

• things were not going to plan,

• her birthday was going to be ruined…..

all because I still have to ice 4 f*cking cupcakes and the icing is not coming together.

The icing is not cooperating, all I needed to do was ice 4 more cupcakes! It is so true, repeating the same pattern without any success will lead to insanity.

The tears started and I could not do anything to stop them, the shrieks of frustration were real (you cannot judge till you are at the mercy of butter, sugar, egg whites and a mixer that is starting to smoke) all until I was out of control. I couldn’t believe it. I felt beyond terrible, but just couldn’t stop.

4 f*cking cupcakes brought me to a complete mental breakdown.

I turned off the mixer, cried out all my tears and walked away, drove to meet up with my kids and try to salvage any of the memories I had hoped to create with my daughter for her 16th birthday. It was hard, I knew this was not the way any of us had planned on celebrating her. Now the practical baker in me would have closed the window I had open in front of the mixer, especially since it was now raining…...humidity and sudden cold temperature were the reason the icing was not working….however, in that moment there was nothing practical about me.

So why did 4 cupcakes bring me to my knees.

Simple, the pressure we put on ourselves as parents can be too much. I pride myself on being present and real with my kids. But sometimes, I put too much pressure on me. I wanted her 16th birthday to be a day she will never forget. Well, I certainly achieved that, just not the way I wanted. As parents, we need to know when enough is enough. Obviously, there is a lot more going on in my life than just having a meltdown over icing. We are moving, I am launching a new digital course this week, Covid-19 is in it’s second wave, financial uncertainty….it all is in the background of my mind, and 4 cupcakes brought it all out. Simple things that may not be what you intended have the power to bring us to our knees. Put us into a reset so we can take a step back and evaluate what is going on. I used to go down a real "rabbit hole" when something this big would happen. My life is not working, I am a terrible mother, I am not good enough......and so on.

But what I know is that I am 1 person, with 1 head on my shoulders and trying to do the job of more than 1. Just like many of you are as well. I was on my coaching call this morning, and he reminded me to be kinder to myself. And I am beginning to understand what it means to actually do that. It means, it’s ok just to be. It is ok that 4 cupcakes brought me to my knees. It's ok that I can write about it and hopefully someone who reads this will take a piece of my story and remember this when they are about to go down their own "rabbit hole". It is ok for me to apologize to my daughter for scaring her like that on her birthday. It is ok to put it behind me and move on today.

Now when we got back from apple picking, after having some lunch, and I closed the window, the icing was able to come together and we were able to enjoy these delicious cupcakes. And now, we have a funny story to add to our families many funny stories, about how 4 cupcakes brought me down to my knees and was able to show me what really is important.

Have you experienced a breaking point in your day that seemed to just come out of nowhere like this? If so, it is ok.

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